My aunt joined Facebook
…and now my vocabulary is lacking profane words and suddenly rich with semi-inspirational ones like ‘studying!’ and ‘thinking of lesbian porn classes!’ My facebook status, you know, that space where you post all your epiphanies, mood, current activities and everything related to things people don’t give a flying fuck bunny about will drastically change. I’ll always be “happy about the new class schedules” and “eager to start studying yay!” and would always be engaged in “reading up on new accounting policies LOL SO FUN“.
…Just kidding. She’s a very cool aunt (my favourite, actually), and it’s nice to finally be able to interact with her virtually (I have a bad habit of checking my phone once a week and that typically doesn’t bode well with people much SURPRISINGLY…). Good advice to everyone. Can’t get me on my phone? Then it’s probably shoved between my layers of ass-fat (Sound doesn’t carry all that well here) as I accidentally sat on it in my haste to get to the laptop and start LOLCat-ting READING ONLINE EXAM TIPS. In other words, E-mail is probably the safer option.
I know a lot of friends who’ve gotten through this experience in one way or another:
You wake up, bleary-eyed and breath stinking of zombie pits and yesterday’s chicken meatloaf, ready to start the day anew. You grab your modern-day toothbrush, otherwise known as the laptop and start with the morning makeover, otherwise known as poring over the internet for 2 hours before you start doing anything productive, IF you ever start doing anything productive. Of course, useful news-generating websites like The Star or Metro Online is so passé and you prefer to stalk your ex-boyfriend (*cough*Neesa*cough) or enlighten yourself on your friend’s recent blind-date mishap. Your finger immediately types the ‘F’ in the browser before auto-completion sets it to ‘facebook.com’. See? Even your browser known you don’t have a life.
Your eye wanders over-excitedly coolly over the red notification on the lower right and upon noticing that you have 7 notifications today, you start clicking it maybe just a bit too quickly. In that split of a nanosecond, you generate hope that it’s your crush commenting on your photo or someone decidedly popular posting something on your wall, which, by logic, means that you’re popular too despite your addiction to social media websites. Unfortunately, it’s just Mafia Wars telling you that so-and-so has just won a fight with your help and someone has bought your pet away from you in Friends For Sale. But hey, what’s this? Someone has GIVEN you a gift in Mafia Wars! It’s probably a pathetic shotgun but hey! SOMEONE SENT ME– ERR YOU! I MEAN YOU– A GIFT! Social domination is a just a hair’s breadth away. You will be drinking Apple Martinis with Paris Hilton at some posh club in Hollywood in no time.
Completely satisfied with your social progress, you start typing in Omar Afiq *cough*NEESA*cough* your ex-boyfriend’s name in the search box before you notice something else. A comical green icon on the upper right, stating that you have a friend request. How pleasant! You ignore the other icons which details 78 application invites, 23 group invites and 56 “other” (note: sex related quizzes) invites and again, start clicking on the thing a tad too enthusiastically. You just KNOW it’s some random brazillian hunk or media tycoon who got so mesmerised over your gorgeous profile picture (which hardly looks anything like you what the hey photoshop / myspace angles) and wants to get to know you better over apple martinis. Paris Hilton might come around, too.
Your mind pore over the details, the name and the picture of this new friend applicant and you say to yourself ‘Why is this brazillian dude wearing spandex and looking a lot li– DAD?!”
Congratulations. You’re in social media hell.
You get a bit curious and start going through your dad’s seemingly risqué profile and pictures. Soon enough, your housemates will swear that they heard muffled noises from your room that sounded a lot like “THAT’S NOT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Okay, maybe that scenario’s a bit too far-fetched, but I bet these are a bit more realistic:
It’s a hilarious website.
Reminded me when I had a friend-request from a relative I despised (Whom I bet visits this website). It immediately became a quandary, I started discussing with friends if I should fake my death or approve her and if I do, what’s the grace period to ignore her request before she starts suspecting something. After LOL-ing with my sisters about her having a facebook account and OMG-ing with batshit crazy friends (the same dipshits I love but would spell out death if my relatives find out existed), I finally approved her after three short weeks because she called me up to specifically inform of her friend request and why haven’t I approved her yet? I realised she’s not so bad and hey she’s family after all, so what the heck you know? And then, I fell into morbid depression and committed suicide.
Believe me, it’s a happy ending.
Subscribe to comments with RSS.