Of Happiness and Valiums

Chronicling my strife with the universe.

I’m not misanthropic, I just hate everything.

with 3 comments

There’s a reason why I’m an introvert or why I’m a cynic when it comes to people. There’s a stronger reason why people are stupid but let’s not delve into common sense, shall we. Being a female and sporting youth on my shoulders (it’s quite fashionable, really) has me subject to a number of annoying assumptions by the elders and I’m sure a hell lot would be able to relate. I refer to it as:

I’m-like-a-century-old-thus-I-shall-pass-judgment-on-you-for-whatever-you’ve-gone-through-

I-have-as-well-but-TENFOLD!! syndrome.

It’s amazing how just one word can explain everything. Ahh English.

When I was in Kuching, there was nothing I hated more than spending time with Crazy Bitch Aunt (yes she is named so under my phone contacts list) and mingling with her mix of society. Basically, you spend precious hours updating each other about world pandemics and the general concerns of civilised company, such as;

“Like did you hear who got pregnant!? And she’s not even married!”

As she informs the crowd of this crucial information, you can hear the ripples of awed silence at the marvelous knowledge she bears.

“And there’s more, can you believe that-“

Bated breath.

“-Just yesterday, I saw her-“

Eyes as wide as tyre rims.

“Wearing a knee-length skirt!”

As strings of blasphemies and shouts of incredulity on her heathen-like attire come in waves (A skirt! What next, 3/4 shirt sleeves!?), mixing with the dank air of cheap perfume and face powder, you can see my engrossed face.

That’s hardly one eighth of it. Sometimes, you just listen in on their conversations, slipping in a word of two as politeness dictates and silently wonder in amazement at the impressive capacity humanity has for immense stupidity. Sometimes, you become the subject of it.

“You’re done eating?”

“Yeah.”

“But there’s still food!”

“No it’s okay, I’m really quite full.”

“Oh I don’t think that’s the reason,” quips in Crazy Bitch Aunt’s Crazy Bitch Friend #173.

“She’s dieting!”

No (with all due politeness) bitch, I’m not dieting. But hey, since I just ate two bowls of rice, a cut of meat the size of a snooker table, two hormone-induced poultry dishes swimming in coconut fat and transparent oil and drank two cans of coke-flavoured diabetes-in-a-can, then you might as well say I am! After all, you did serve for twenty and seeing as we comprise of exactly five, it’s amazing that an abundant amount of food is leftover! Someone must not be eating their share and it’s ALWAYS the teenager who had the audacity to insult your munificence by eating only two bowls of rice! TWO! And here it is general deduction that teenage girls are required to eat half a cow and three sacks of rice daily, before taking pregnancy pills and going off to have rabid sex with rockstars.

And of course it is of the utmost importance that you announce this diet that inexplicably started just five seconds ago in the sound magnitude of 80,000 decibels, exchanging knowing glances and age-wise grin with the room in general. Then, as you exchange vehement whispers with your peers on the follies of youth (Ah the worries they have! How rather trivial! Remember when we were that age?) I shall be expected to sport a banal smile, ignoring the fact that I now have a magical history of daily diets and fluctuating weight being passed around the room which I myself have no recollection of.

Oh, but the deed is not done yet. Seeing as how it’s very much impossible to visually ascertain the state of a person’s outward health (Fat? Skinny? I can’t tell! I need to touch you first!), I shall then morph into a science test subject and have my cheeks pinched, my fleshy arm ripped out of its socket and my abdomen become the object of such intense scrutiny you just know that consternated expression of theirs is due to the vital information they withhold on solving world hunger. Like trained police dogs, they need only to prod every visible part of my body with their grease-covered fingers to professionally declare; “You are quite chubby,” before releasing a stream of maniacal laughter and declaring themselves quite smart from unearthing such elusive information.

Then, regardless if I look like

Or

The answer that is given will always be the same and always accompanied by such profound wisdom I stagger at the depth of it;

No need to diet lah! Enjoy your life! Go on, eat some more! I insist.

Then, in the future as I battle severe obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure or do a pivot in my dance with death from multiple-heart diseases, I shall follow your sage advice and enjoy life as you literally shove another gallon of oil down my throat.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Now let’s uplift all our spirits and go shop for your coffins!

…Man, whatever. LOLcats, anyone?

LOLcats always cheers me up. :D

No updates until mid-June. Exams. Which only means Izyan has to prepare herself for days of endless tirades by the constantly disgruntled Aziemah as the study break ends and we resume the spending of magically jovial days in the internet-less college dorm.

Ahh life is back to normal.

Written by aziemah

May 29, 2008 at 4:39 am

3 Responses

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  1. if u make ur blog private, how am i going to readdd?? oh, you know wordpress can make entries whereby u require a password to read it right??? eh, i need to cook our dinner now. cyah in a bit!

    nurisya

    June 1, 2008 at 9:46 am

  2. Hahahah.omg so cute ur cute animals and its captions xD

    Elaine

    June 3, 2008 at 7:07 am

  3. OMG!!! ROFL!!! Aziemah~~~ I love your blog!!!!! XD XD Made me laughed so hard!

    Rei-kun

    June 8, 2008 at 2:43 pm


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