Well, I also moved to a new house, but this migration I’m referring to is more of a virtual, rather than a physical nature.

….Okay I’ll shut up now.

Bitch what up.

Chill bitches, I know you up in ma’ drive and wishin’ you were me.

Ma Ho' Says Hi.

The truth is a long and confusing open-ended story, the ending only working out to start a new and unanticipated chapter. It’s the ever-exciting tale of how I gained 10 pounds (I hear the feminine cries of woe and disgust already), come to live in the disarrayed filth I call my room (Is that lump of thing on the floor edible? I’m hungry. It should be edible), and the mess of a life that gradually built up out of nowhere.

It's not like this everyday... Just... Every other day...

Though by mess of a life, I actually mean I’m running out of series to watch and House and Fringe are only starting back in September.

This series is awesome. It's like House, just that it's completely different and nothing at all like House.

Anyway, instead of writing something new today, I’m trying something new by writing something old. Okay who got confused? If you did, then;

Ha-ha. Retard. :D

Okay this is a blog post about a year ago, when I took an English proficiency test (which some of you come to know as IELTS) before flying to the UK. It was quite the experience, it was. And that’s why I’m writing about it, as opposed to writing about how fluffy the clouds are today or how I lost my favourite blue pen about a year ago. Don’t worry though, those are soon to come.

Anyway, read on while I pick the cookie crumbs off the rug to eat… err… keep my room tidy.

What Izyan Bakes.

What I'm Having. :(

IELTS (International English Language Testing System… I think)

It was the night before. I knew I was supposed to arrive at the centre by 8am so I figured I should sleep really, really early (I sacrificed a fourth viewing of 300 for that, so don’t belittle my effort).

I hadn’t done any preparation for the exam, wasn’t even sure what the hell I’m supposed to do, bring with me, how long it would take or even the exam rules. At least though, I mused, I would come equipped with a well-rested mind, if not well-informed.

Aww... You know this isn't my blog if it doesn't suddenly and randomly insert cute cat images.

So lights out at 11pm it is.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of… well, actually, nothing. I slept through my alarm that was set at 6am, 6.30am and 7.15am. The morning sun assaulted my half-opened eyes and I lazily stretched in bed, open to the comfortable suggestion of the comforter, pillow and mattress while dredging up some more sleeping hours before I sat up abruptly after remembering something just somewhat, somehow, relatively important;

I had an exam I paid RM530 for today.

I looked to the clock on the wall (as opposed to being on the floor or ceiling, I guess) and saw the time on the artistic grandeur of my RM5 Jusco wall clock..

It was 7.50am.

Sums up my feelings (and expression) exactly.

I suppose I was late.

I jumped from the covers, rushed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth (well you can say it was more of committing gum-bleeding suicide with the rushed and murderous strokes of the potent toothbrush bristles) and took the first shirt I saw on the floor in front of me (clean, I assure you. Mopped the floors just the week before). Somehow, I also managed to be the first person in the world to get bruises from putting on pants, pocketed my wallet and off I went.

Once I was on the small driveway leading to the main road, I suddenly had the awakening to become the most religious zealot on earth, supplicating to God and apologising deeply for I was so negligent of Him before. My earnest and calm prayer went like this;

“Dear God… taxi taxi TAXI!!!”

Sure enough, the moment I stepped onto the main road, a conspicuously yellow-painted carriage from heaven fell from the sky to whisk me to safety.

Okay, maybe it arrived in a less dramatic (and fantasy-like) way, but still…

Why don't I do this more often? I should do this more often... Dear God, PS3 PS3 PS3!!!!

I half-mangled the door as I forcibly opened it, jumped in and elegantly barked at the cab driver, telling him my destination. I had to repeat it a second time though, since he looked at me the first time with confusion and partial-shock docking his face.

Yeah like that, only not so yellow.

Probably too dazzled by how composed I was.

It was a 3 minutes ride, and when he came to a stop few feet from the centre, I threw all that was left in my wallet at him.

I’m not regretful that I probably gave him too much of a tip (Didn’t even get to sound extra cool and generous while saying “Keep the change, my good fellow” and shrugging my shoulders in a display of impotent coolness and munificence), but thankful that I still kept a sound mind not to throw the whole wallet.

God was with me the whole way.

I owe you one, God. Mad props.

I ran to the centre like kittens were chasing me and went immediately up the steps.

Just like that... btw God DOES kill a kitten when you masturbate, so... please think of the kittens.

Upon the first floor landing of the exam centre, I glanced at the wall-clock they had… and the time was 7.59am, 47 seconds.

Booyah bitches, who da boss?

Again.

That’s not the end of it though. When I arrived, I felt weird… incomplete somehow. Like I’d forgotten something very, very important.

I checked the stuff I brought with me; my ID (check), the forms I needed (check) and a face that got out of bed a mere 15 minutes ago (check check check). What could I have possible forgotte– Oh right.

Stationeries.

And Again.

That meant no pens, no pencils, no erasers, nothing. Everyone around me though, had several dozen 2B pencils in their hands. As soon as I stopped panicking and looking like a constipated idiot, I turned to the guy behind me (Who had 3 dozens bundled up, I swear to you) and went;

“Oh gee! We’re using 2B pencils? Can’t we use mechanical pencils? Do I need a pen?! My god what am I going to do…”

He took one sympathetic glance and gave me 4 pencils of his own. I think he was still left with like 6329875 pencils, so it was not a particularly huge sacrifice on his part anyway. Thank god he didn’t bother to see if I actually did bring anything at all either, that kind-hearted idiot.

The exam itself though, was nothing short of dull.

The Listening part was complete bull, and I couldn’t be bothered much with it. I think I dozed off intermittently during the last quarter, too (thanks to the energy-sapping morning excitement).

The Reading exam was finished within half the time because I didn’t want to read it carefully or double check my answers… life’s too short and looking around the exam halls, staring at the odd-shaped head of the lady in front of me seemed like it demanded more attention.

The Writing exam left me with 20 minutes of comfortable head-resting-against-arm position as I was too lazy to perfect my essay draft or bother with grammar and the trivial things. Like I said, life is short, so that makes sleeping time a lot less.

The reason for not caring was not because I’m confident in my English skillz (It’s still high-school level) but because I needed a mere 6.5 out of a possible 9.0 so… why bother much. A 6.5 SHOULD be possible, my English is (hopefully) at least up to that level since you know, I’m not from Japan or Korea or anything like that.

Anyway, the conclusion to this chapter is brief but essential:

• The cookie crumbs on the floor were NOT edible… and nor were they cookie crumbs at all but let’s move on;

• Don’t ask me if I showered;

• The religious zealot thing didn’t stick. It only lasted the 10 seconds until the taxi arrived. Taxis must be the power tools of hell.

• I passed.

PS:

I still remember some of the things she would say in our normal course of conversation (Red’s hers, Green’s mine);

*Watching Unrest, a B-grade horror-flick centred around a hospital backdrop*

“What does the OR stand for on that door?”

“Operation room, duh.”

“Oh… you mean not the O-mergency room?”

“…”

*Staring outside for god knows what reason (to fully appreciate nature?)*

“Oh look, a squirrel!”

“Yeah, I see ‘em a lot. They’re always running around in the front yard.”

“Aww… poor squirrels. Too bad we took away their habitats and they don’t have a place to live in and now they have to eat the garbage from every house and grow into giant mutated squirrels.”

“…”

*Random *

(In a British Accent) “You know dearest sister, I am rather fond of that… that elegant classical dance, wot do you call it? Wot? Street dance?”

“…”

*Me griping about UiTM*

“UiTM this… blah blah… Malays that… etc etc…”

“…”

“Why are you so silent? Are you thinking about what I just said and agreeing with it?”

“Um… no. I’m just wondering why you think I care.”

*(In a similar breath as to the one above) Talking about something that pisses me off*

“…So that’s what gets me mad.”

“OMG I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS!”

“…”

“Hey let’s go eat something I’m hungry.”

*Complaining about losing her Vincci shoe at her hostel*

“It costed me RM50!”

“So what do you want me to do about it?”

“Well I have your bank card and pin number.”

“…”

*Back from Usher’s recent concert in Malaysia*

“Aziemah! It was awesome!”

“Stop making me jealous.”

“No really, it was! He’s so sexy it’s okay if he wants to rape me.”

“…”

Such an impertinent, arrogant and insolent person.

…I’ve trained her well.

Basically, while I was searching online for a pre-owned PS3 (Secondhand gadgets for life, bitches. Plus I’m broke) I came across several “auctions” that would promote this particular website; FreebieJeebies.

Being of the Google Generation (new name for the 21st century), I did a lot of checking up on it and was 80% sure it’s legit.

Now leaves the 20%: trying it out myself.

Basically, I sign up for an account at FreebieJeebies and sign up for a 3rd-party offer they’re affiliated with (I’m signing up for LoveFilm because it genuinely seems like something I’d stick to). After that, I just gather sufficient referrals that would ultimately get me the prize I want. In this case, it’s a 250GB PS3 Slim.

I need 15 referrals.

I need your help. :D

Basically what you do is sign up for the websites FreebieJeebies advertises, and when they receive compensation, they give it back to you in the form of an item. I think the selection includes gadgets of the Apple variety and the new iPhone4 is up too apparently. After that, depending on the stuff you choose hence the referrals you need, just start recommending it to friends and when they decide that they’d try it too, presto! You get one referral. 14 more to go.

But hey, if you’re Mr/Mrs Popular, why not give it a go? It should be easy for you. And tell me if it works.

Just sign up via this link, and you’d be one of my referrers, in which I would be greatly obliged. :D

Here’s the link again, just in case:

http://consoles.freebiejeebies.co.uk/179620

Once it’s done (with my luck I doubt that though), then I can ascertain its success factor. Good luck me, good luck you.

Classes have started just today and here I was getting excited about my 254th consecutive days of pelting peanuts at inanimate objects. A tragedy, really. I’m this close to making a dent on that horridly brown-hued closet with the speed I possess in pelting said peanuts.

Some people are just born talented.

Speaking of which, there was a purpose for this particular post…

I recently purchased the Zune HD.

IN.

YOUR.

FACE.

BITCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it’s so remarkable to see how mature I am for my age.

I’ve grown weary of explaining multiple times what a Zune is, but I won’t mind telling it again for your sake.

Just kidding. I love to hear myself talk.

So here’s a brief summary:

Basically, all of you effing pathetic Apple fanboys are gushing over the latest releases by the devil incarnate (sometimes referred to as Steve Jobs). He has like, the Midas-Fucking-Touch when it comes to releasing the latest, up-to-date, age-defying, I-wank-to-it-in-my-parent’s-basement gadgets. The iPod, iPod touch, iPhone (all 400-fucking-version of it) has been well received by society due to its brilliant, flawless designs and novelty sizes.

With all his pioneering status and knack for the trendy and kitschy, he’s also brilliantly named said gadgets with simplistic, yet memorable and esoteric  names that appeals to just about everyone within this neo-futuristic age. He’d never, ever do something stupid like name a product to something that bears a striking resemblance to a woman’s menstrual pad, however.

OH WAIT.

I however, am one of the (unfortunately) minority that completely abhor the hype surrounding a singular brand. I’m not denying that it’s nice to look at or nice to touch (Like Amirah’s bewbies),

Such soft… err.. hair. My right hand is touching her, err… hair.

…Admittedly, the name even has a unique ring to it (save for a particular new Apple release…);

The Apple iPod Touch and the iPhone

Now doesn’t that sound like something that would leave her knees weak when you whisper to it passionately in her ear (as you hang out together under your parent’s basement)?

Also, the Apple App Store is a force not to be reckoned with. An old statistic I remember seeing stated that they dominate about 80% of the world’s mobile app world.

They sold 1 billion app last year. In the span of 9 months.

And of course, learning management science, we’re told numerous times how brilliant the marketing strategies they’ve adapted and how world-leading their after-sales service are. Bla-fucking-bla. Leave a few gaps of silence in reverence to the benchmarking status they’ve upheld and get ready for the blow-by-blow comparison I feel obliged to disseminate to you ignorant masses.

ZUNE VS IPOD

When the world was pining over the latest Apple and granting too great a consumer hold over it, there exists a disgruntled few who just couldn’t understand how someone could salivate over something with diminished capacity compared to other better brands, save that it looks better. There were notable competitions, like the Creative Zen, Sony and iRiver but they hardly stood a chance against the might of Apple fanboys (forthwith referred to as The Retarded Ones), egregious in their enthusiasm and overflowing in numbers.

Finally, Microsoft (Yes, Microsoft) took a stance and teamed up with Toshiba to create what is to be then referred to simply as Microsoft Zune. As Apple evolved, it gradually did too, with the release of the 2nd and 3rd generation, extricating themselves from the alliance with Toshiba in the process and fully propelling the project within their own capacity. It was performing adequately enough, it boosted and outperformed Apple is several categories, but non critical enough for us Zune fan-PEOPLE to go head-to-head with our retarded Apple counterparts… That is, until the Zune HD was released.

HOW THE ZUNE HD FUCKING RULE THE WORLD.

Zune is cheaper (MOST IMPORTANTEST FACT OF ALL).

Pricing (taken from Amazon US):

iPod Touch 8GB: $175.90

VS

Zune HD: No equivalent product range.

—–

iPod Touch 16GB: $199.00

VS

Zune HD 16GB: $164.00 (Black in colour)

—-

iPod Touch 32GB: $264.00

VS

Zune HD 32GB: $238.00 (Platinum in colour)

—-

iPod Touch 64GB: $349.00

VS

Zune HD 64GB: $349.00 (White in colour)

(Okay, maybe this one might be similar, but give it some time. It was just released April this year. :P)

The iPod sound quality pales in comparison to the Zune.

When I say blow-by-blow, I really mean I-am-too-much-of-a-distracted-person-to-type-all-that-much-but-hey-here’s-a-useful-link-insert-smilie-face.

There are plenty of audiophile forums singing high, laudable praises for the Zune (I might exaggerate this a teeny bit) in terms of audio quality, comparing it incessantly with the iPod, all the while noting the iPod’s glaring inferiority. In case the technical jargons might confuse you, here’s an amazon-forum based discussion:

Sound Quality, Zune VS iPod

Don’t take my word for it, take Amazon’s (I think Amazon should pay me for typing that. I’m running a petition soon).

The Zune has far superior display.

Alright, the iPod Touch might have a slightly wider diagonal measurement at 3.5″ (beating the Zune at 3.3″) but that’s just superiority in numbers, not actual performance. The deficient 0.2″ is more than made up by the fact that the Zune outfits more pixels in a similar space (480 x 272), making it so much more vibrant and the colours strikingly brilliant. Or, if you’re going to be all fuck-all for that slight technical difference, consider this: The Zune uses OLED display while the iPod Touch is still stuck with the same ol’ boring LCD.

You have to be daft not to be aware of the mountainous quality difference between an OLED and LCD display. In fact, the strongest selling point of the Zune is in its display quality and how it upstages just about every other brand not by a slight, but staggering margin.

The Zune weighs less and is smaller in size.

The initial measurements would have the iPod winning preliminarily again. The thickness of 8.5mm is slightly smaller than Zune’s 8.9mm. However, that’s as far as it extends. The Zune totally beats it in all other aspects.

Apple’s product is 2.4″ wide, the Zune is 2.1″.

Apple’s is 4.3″ tall, the Zune is 4.0″.

And despite its smaller size, the Zune manages to weight about 36% less than the iPod, measuring at 76g as opposed to Apple’s hefty 115g. It doesn’t look too light, thanks to the shiny metallic exterior but when you pick it up, you might be somewhat surprised by the contrasting weight (as I was).

Zune has better battery life.

I hate it when my battery is completely drained and it’s getting all that much harder to pretend to listen to music so that the shower-challenged guy beside you might take a hint or two (true story). Here’s a short recap:

Apple has 30 hours music playback, Zune HD has 33.

Apple has 6 hours video playback, Zune HD has 8.5.

Apple charges at an 80% capacity by two hours via wall adapter, Zune at 100%.

Via a USB port, Apple requires 4 hours for a full charge, Zune requires 3.

Zune support more video formats at a far, FAR better quality

This is highly imperative for myself, since I primarily watch movies and series while riding the Underground. I’ve watched two seasons of Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives… Err I mean House and CSI on my old 1st Gen Zune and several countless movies, so the fact that the Zune processes 640 x 480 video resolution at 30 frames per second, and is able to decode MPEG-4 and H.264 compression schemes at up to 2.5 Mbps (H.264 PEOPLE!) I literally screamed. In addition, it also handles Microsoft’s native WMV format, which the iPod is simply unable to (They’re restricted to MPEG-4).

Not only that, but the quality of 480p can be extended to a frikkin’ 720p seamlessly, in which even some laptops can barely handle it. The video can be outputted at that quality to a HD TV via composite cables sold separately. And while the iPod plays videos of up to 2.5mb in speed, Zune can perform at a whooping 14mb.

I’m sorry for all the technical jargons, there’s no other way to explain just how superior the Zune is. I doubt telling you “IT IS THE FUCKING BEST BOOYA BITCHESSSSS!!!! FUCKING LOOK AT THAT PICTAHSSSS!” would help much.

Zune is scratch-resistant, Apple is basically designed to be covered in scratches within several hours of usage.

I noticed this trait when I dropped my 1st Gen Zune for about 5 tim- err once. ONCE. And noticed that there were no visible scratches on the screen or the casing, despite dropping it on gravel at a magnitude of… well, very hard. I was more than exalted when I discovered the same trait was extended to the Zune HD, since the sleek metallic exterior made me figure it was built the same way as the iPod: classy and elegant, yet magnetized scratches like no one’s business.

Seriously, does any Apply fanboy dare to comment on how scratch prone all the Apple products are?

If you’re in the US, you have a choice of five colours with free engravings:

Latest additions:

Last but not least:

Honorouble mentions

The NVIDIA Tegra Chip.

Zune would be the first media player to use this ground-breaking technology. If you’re wondering what exactly the fuck it is, I don’t have a fucking clue either. Google plskthx:

It’s a graphics-based processor inputted into laptops mostly, to ensure quality video playbacks at staggering processing speeds and minimum power output.

Oh man, does this sound bitching:

“Specifically, the Tegra provides the Zune HD with eight independent processors, each designed for a specific class of tasks – among them are an HD video processor, an audio processor, a graphics processor, and two ARM cores. Furthermore, the processors can work together or independently to minimize power consumption.”

The Zune also has Wi-Fi, a Web browser (with tap-to-zoom technology), built-in accelerometer, and a touch-screen QWERTY keyboard.

Seriously, what more can you ask for? Okay, maybe a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal.

Well hello there, Prince of Persia.

ALL MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!

One thing to gripe about however, is that it is only released in US and Canada. I’ve been waiting for an Europe release (rumoured since Fall of 2009) but it was just grapevine shit. The only way of buying it was either purchasing it at exorbitant prices from UK-based inofficial stores… or eBay (New at slightly less exorbitant prices and refurbished at much less).

Of course, cheapskate me chose eBay.  Refurbished.

Whatever I have a Zune HD.

PS: Yes, this post update is because it’s 4am and I have to get ready for class at 7am tomorrow… err today.

I know, it’s ridiculously easy to fall into a perverse lull and think of so many unholy (for lack of a better word) things associated with water. Especially given the title “My ‘Water‘ Moments” (Cue suggestive coughing).

Oh wait you weren’t thinking of anything dirty? That was only me?

…

Uh so yeah, I wasn’t thinking it too. Was just, like, you know… kidding.

Haha… Oh look a butterfly!

…

So anyway, aside from my awesome powers of distraction, I decided to do something I vowed never to commit myself to. Enter a (I’d like to say here drumroll please, but it’s so overused I’m going to pass… oh what the heck. DRUMROLL PLEASE!) competition! Of the Nuffnang variety!

(If you are a Nuffnang judge, please don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the godawesome gifts and fantastic ideas you guys come up with (man I better not be kissing ass for nothing *hinthint*), it’s because I’d get way depressed if I spent 10 min… err… 52 hours writing a carefully constructed post and have it come to naught).

Of course, those who know me well could totally read the underlying cause for this uncharacteristic tendency to actually, like, do something besides sleeping and watching paint dry… yes, I am having exams and yes, it is tomorrow.

Blah. I tell you, procrastinating is an art and I refuse to die until it is appreciated. Aaanyway, without further ado… Oh look a chicken! (Man, am I good in distracting people or what?)

My Water Moments with Sony TX5

According to this website (attempting to get extra points through referral of suggested link… check); the Sony TX5 has these features:

The compact Cyber-shot TX5 is built to be water-, shock-, dust- and temperature-proof! With features like Intelligent Sweep Panorama, Handheld Twilight and Anti-motion blur, TX5 give you the photographic power to shoot in style whenever, wherever.

• Water-proof (up to 3 meters)

• Handheld Twilight

• Intelligent Sweep Panorama

• “Exmor R” CMOS Sensor

• BIONZ Image Processor

• 25mm wide angle Carl Zeiss® Vario-Tessar lens

After you’ve read that and realise it’s actually in English (I know, right?) it’s basically telling us that thing is waterproof and has uh… Panorama Twilight Emo thingy.

…Oh look there goes my chances of winning.

Right. Focus. So these lil’ nifty gadgets could actually… *refers back to linked page* Ooh I see a pretty girl on the site… (Clever ruse to get you guys to refer back to link and have my craftiness acknowledged by prospective judges… check) and… what the fishes in the sea–

RM1499?!

Shoot wait that’s not helping. Turning on businessman mode.

So with the beautiful images, even in low light, natural and vibrant images, realistic photos with excellent contrast, it can capture perfect twilight shots while also being water, temperature, dust and shock proof.

Like, exclamation mark to the power of infinity.

You can also take effortless panoramic photos, clear and sharp images in low light environment and like, take 10 photos in 1 second… (See, in 1 second I’m not even finished with inhaling oxygen, so like, makes it so much the cooler to the max. Oh em geeee. Kyaa. Etc… What? Fine I’m turning off air-head teenage talk).

And what do you mean I took the promotional descriptions word per word from the linked website?! I so didn’t! These are my brilliantly original worded opinions! Man I can’t believe you would– Okay maybe I did… Oh my god look at that pen on the floor!

But seriously, there is a pretty girl on that site.

Hah! Made you click again!

SO uhh, I guess the price is justified. Last time I bought a camera, it costed me RM800, was only 5 megapixels, a garrish red, took very bad photos and broke within a year. Oh and so not water proof. How could I have lived in the absence of a water proof camera!? Think of all the camwhoring I could’ve done while taking a bath! One gets very much pissed when one thinks of these lost opportunities.

So yeah, in retrospect, RM 1499 ain’t too bad. I’m willing to put my 50 future camwhore-in-bath tub photos on that.

Right. Focus take two. Here’s the awesomely awesome creative picture I’m pretty sure has the highest likelihood of impressing the judges;

OOPS WRONG PICTURE!!! (Appeal to the male judges… check)

ANOTHER WRONG PICTURE MY BAD!!! And no I did not “accidentally” put that up to appeal to possibly female judges and their weakness for babies, diapers and ridiculous baby expressions. Such atrocious accusations… because this is what would actually appeal to them;

Yeah baby! Brb wiping drool.

Jokes aside (So what did the chicken say to the butterfly? HAHAHAHA… lame), here’s my most memorable “water” (sorry… I can’t resist this but… CUE MORE COUGHING) moments.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

BOOYA!

But you know, I’m telling you, that’s just like, sea water. The tide got way high and I failed to see it coming, and then ka-boom! (Splash might be a more appropriate sound effect, but so not as cool and shut up you’re reading my blog) me pants got wet. :(

I didn’t bring spare clothes and the apartment was a 20 minutes walking distance away. It was embarassing to walk around having “looked like” you just peed. If I had a water-proof camera, I could’ve walked further into the sea and start snapping away, in the hopes of having people think that I’m a semi-serious photographer (because semi-serious photographers tend to own DSLRs or water-proof cameras) and look all cool and shit ’cause I’m trying to get awesome pictures of the sea since I have an awesome SONY TX5 (I know, cheap shot)… instead of looking like the dope who got too excited when she saw the sea and started running into an oncoming tide that gave her several embarassing moments later.

Or you know, I could’ve taken an embarassing picture of the person who took my embarassing picture (without worrying about dropping the camera into the water).

Damn you Nurisya. Damn you to… ooh love your hair.

More pictures (just because):

Note: If I had that blasted Sony TX5 I could’ve taken the underwater version of these faux-paparazzi shots… and yes, I am terribly mortified with the fact that I’m related to them.

God knows how much I miss you guys. :(

Oh btw, since I’m currently in London, I’m gonna change the title of this post to;

My Wa’er Moments Hidy-Ho, Top o’ the mornin’, Earl Gray Tea, Bo’el of Wa’er

(So getting extra points on creativity. La’er people).

…Just kidding. She’s a very cool aunt (my favourite, actually), and it’s nice to finally be able to interact with her virtually (I have a bad habit of checking my phone once a week and that typically doesn’t bode well with people much SURPRISINGLY…). Good advice to everyone. Can’t get me on my phone? Then it’s probably shoved between my layers of ass-fat (Sound doesn’t carry all that well here) as I accidentally sat on it in my haste to get to the laptop and start LOLCat-ting READING ONLINE EXAM TIPS. In other words, E-mail is probably the safer option.

I know a lot of friends who’ve gotten through this experience in one way or another:

You wake up, bleary-eyed and breath stinking of zombie pits and yesterday’s chicken meatloaf, ready to start the day anew. You grab your modern-day toothbrush, otherwise known as the laptop and start with the morning makeover, otherwise known as poring over the internet for 2 hours before you start doing anything productive, IF you ever start doing anything productive. Of course, useful news-generating websites like The Star or Metro Online is so passé and you prefer to stalk your ex-boyfriend (*cough*Neesa*cough) or enlighten yourself on your friend’s recent blind-date mishap. Your finger immediately types the ‘F’ in the browser before auto-completion sets it to ‘facebook.com’. See? Even your browser known you don’t have a life.

Your eye wanders over-excitedly coolly over the red notification on the lower right and upon noticing that you have 7 notifications today, you start clicking it maybe just a bit too quickly. In that split of a nanosecond, you generate hope that it’s your crush commenting on your photo or someone decidedly popular posting something on your wall, which, by logic, means that you’re popular too despite your addiction to social media websites. Unfortunately, it’s just Mafia Wars telling you that so-and-so has just won a fight with your help and someone has bought your pet away from you in Friends For Sale. But hey, what’s this? Someone has GIVEN you a gift in Mafia Wars! It’s probably a pathetic shotgun but hey! SOMEONE SENT ME– ERR YOU! I MEAN YOU– A GIFT! Social domination is a just a hair’s breadth away. You will be drinking Apple Martinis with Paris Hilton at some posh club in Hollywood in no time.

Completely satisfied with your social progress, you start typing in Omar Afiq *cough*NEESA*cough* your ex-boyfriend’s name in the search box before you notice something else. A comical green icon on the upper right, stating that you have a friend request. How pleasant! You ignore the other icons which details 78 application invites, 23 group invites and 56 “other” (note: sex related quizzes) invites and again, start clicking on the thing a tad too enthusiastically. You just KNOW it’s some random brazillian hunk or media tycoon who got so mesmerised over your gorgeous profile picture (which hardly looks anything like you what the hey photoshop / myspace angles) and wants to get to know you better over apple martinis. Paris Hilton might come around, too.

Your mind pore over the details, the name and the picture of this new friend applicant and you say to yourself ‘Why is this brazillian dude wearing spandex and looking a lot li– DAD?!”

Congratulations. You’re in social media hell.

You get a bit curious and start going through your dad’s seemingly risqué profile and pictures. Soon enough, your housemates will swear that they heard muffled noises from your room that sounded a lot like “THAT’S NOT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!“

Okay, maybe that scenario’s a bit too far-fetched, but I bet these are a bit more realistic:

http://myparentsjoinedfacebook.com

It’s a hilarious website.

Reminded me when I had a friend-request from a relative I despised (Whom I bet visits this website). It immediately became a quandary, I started discussing with friends if I should fake my death or approve her and if I do, what’s the grace period to ignore her request before she starts suspecting something. After LOL-ing with my sisters about her having a facebook account and OMG-ing with batshit crazy friends (the same dipshits I love but would spell out death if my relatives find out existed), I finally approved her after three short weeks because she called me up to specifically inform of her friend request and why haven’t I approved her yet? I realised she’s not so bad and hey she’s family after all, so what the heck you know? And then, I fell into morbid depression and committed suicide.

Believe me, it’s a happy ending.

Checked on the 2nd of July, 2009; 1400 hours, +00 GMT.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU GET ME, STUPID UNIVERSE!

Finding a decent picture of him is like figuring out rocket science.

You know, as shocking as Jacko’s death might be, there’s another thing that impacted a stronger “What The Fux0rz” reaction;

The aftermath.

Right now, headlines of him getting a Muslim burial, claims of his alleged child molestation being fictitious (they claimed the child confessed to lying as per his parent’s request), his death bearing a suspicious cause, and more of his conversion to Islam tales are mushrooming. So now, I’m fasting from any world-related news for a few days. Then I can be like those boarding school kids who can elaborate on the atom’s structure word-by-textbook word but still go “Obama? Is that like, a new breed of llamas?“

Not that they can speak decent English though. It would probably sound something like this; “Obama? Is that likes.. new breeding of the animal that looking like llama?”

Assuming they know what a llama is. (If you’re wondering why the sudden animosity towards boarding school kids… let’s just say there’s one particular person who’s grating my nerves. If she’s not careful, I am so featuring her on this space).

I’ll miss the guy though, even though I don’t exactly live next door to him and have evening tea and scones together or anything.

As a kid, I remember watching his music videos together with my little sister on laser disc all the time. We’d skip ‘Thriller‘ because the music video would scare the crap out of us…

Okay, maybe just me.

I honestly still can’t watch that music video until now and it’s the only Jacko song I haven’t heard ’till the end. ‘Remember The Time‘ and ‘Rock With You‘ will always be an all-time favourite though.

By the way, you might hate me for this but I’m one of those who believe that his previous child molestation case was fabricated. Not blown out of proportions but completely fabricated. Media hype. Greedy, manipulative parents. Puppeteered, innocent kids. I’m ready to be humiliated and proven wrong however, and I think Kak Wani’s the only one who can do that.

A last note from me;

SO true.

She had a huge grin plastered on that Pee-On-Me! face and I was about to bark at her when she started pointing excitedly at a black box. I didn’t have my glasses on then, so I squinted long and hard, my mind still registering the shock of being shown a black box. (Oh wow… a black box… Shocking, thrilling, exciting, etc etc…). Just then, her boyfriend/scandal waved something white in front of me. It fitted snugly in his hands, and its opaque whiteness drew me in.

And then it clicked.

There in his hands, was the resplendent, opal white N97 and it ired me that he waved it in a nonchalant manner instead of putting it on a pedestal and kneeling before it. I was about to ask the exact price he paid for it, when my friend interrupted eagerly;

“It’s my birthday present!”

Then and there, my jaw dropped to the floor. Internally, I was cursing at the two, muttering to myself “Stupid spoiled rich brats. I hate all of you rich brats.”, before they made another announcement;

“We’re giving you my old phone!”

AWESOME SPOILED RICH BRATS. I LOVE ALL OF YOU RICH BRATS.

What she was more excited about was not the phone itself, and as show-off-syndrome has it, this attracted her even more.

Not sure if the number denotes the serial release, but if she says it does... then it does.

The fact that it was the first N97 phone to be released in London. As proof, they also showed the letter from Nokia that refers to him as the first customer for the N97.

I resisted the urge to persuade her to sell it on eBay as a first edition and snatched the phone from his insolent hands screw them both asked politely to toy with it, and they nicely agreed. I half-expected to be disappointed but I was monumentally disappointed by the fact that I wasn’t disappointed. I was a prospective disappointment that turned out to be not disappointing to my disappointment.

Pros:

Response time was minimal, if non-existent. Physical keypad usage was a breeze (major upgrade) and touch-screen sensitivity was significantly better than the previous N-series. The placement of side buttons (Both physical and touch) was creative and strangely gave me a sense of novelty. Even the stylus design had me blubbering nonsensically. They all originally thought it was a small pendrive added as a free gift. The earphone looks and feels expensive, and I’m loving the wire enclosure and its fibre optics-inspired design (supported by the phone’s 3.5mm audio output jack. Win win win. It’s a bit to the lighter side though).

It boasts a 32GB internal memory, with a memory card extension of up to 16GB and that’s another win-win for me. If it promises extended battery life (yet to be ascertained), then I might have strike the 3rd gen Zune player from my wishlist and go for this phone myself.

Cons:

It opens up to a full-sized QWERTY, except for the usual displacement of the space bar button that’s minimised and placed to the lower right. It takes only half a second to get used to, unless you have three broken fingers in which I broke out of pure jealousy from seeing that you own this phone. This is not one of the cons, but the fact that it opens and closes rather awkwardly (and loudly to boot) turns me off. It reminded me of how flip and slide phones gets easily damaged because of the lack of smooth open/close movement. The fluidity leaves much to be desired. The green and red LED-lights you see on the right side of the phone (refer to above picture) strongly contrasted the rich feel of the porcelain whiteness with its plastic, toy-like feel.

The phone is bulkier than the Nokia 5800 but that obvious statement is to be expected. It might turn a lot of owners from donning skinny jeans (a blessing in disguise) so I’m expecting this one to be a hit-or-miss for phone lovers. The phone also uses a different charger jack which comes with an adaptor for the old one, and I’m wondering if Nokia’s gonna standardise this HTC-like charging outlet.

The camera’s decent enough; boasting a 5-mp resolution, and I’m not too sure if I’m asking for too much but Nokia still pales in comparison with the other phone brands in the market in the camera phone sector, namely LG and Sony.

Lastly, I was disappointed by the lack of better functions. You would expect a phone that generated so much hype would cover a lot more new and mind-blowing functions, but it turned out to be pretty standard. The advertisement that showcased Myspace, Friendster and Facebook, sans Twitter might attract a lot of people, but it seems like a cheap trick to me. Nokia uses Symbian OS and I am of the opinion that although sufficiently satisfactory, it still needs to go through a major overhaul. In this technologically-relevant world, we get bored easily and the entertainers need to step up their game, not pander just to social networking website whores.

One final hat-trick from me. Now the friends I have here are spoiled, check; rich, check; brats… well maybe one or two, which means that they have a lot of goodies for me to play with. So far, I’ve had my fair share of playtime with these phones;

The Nokia E63

The Blackberry “Javelin” 8900

Last and I swear, god-friggin’ least, the iPhone 3G

And my final decision?

If you want to get a phone that annoys you the most, get the iPhone.

If you want a standard phone for standard usage and a standard price, get the E63 or its more expensive kin, the E71.

If you want an eye-candy phone with satisfactory functions and best value for money, get the Blackberry Curve.

If you want to die of starvation;

Get the Nokia N97.

Edit: So alright, I’ve been very interested in this particular website which purportedly gives you free items, such as £200 worth of Amazon Vouchers, Xbox 360 S, iPod touch, iPhone 4G, iPad and the one I’ve got my eyes on: a 250GB PS3. After extensive research, I’ve been able to preliminarily determine that it’s a valid website with valid offers, so I’m going to need your help in getting that PS3 (and determining for myself this isn’t a waste of time) as it accumulates credit by the amount of referrals you’re able to garner.

I need 15 referrals.

Thus, try to register here (Do the LoveFilm offer, it’s for free if you cancel before the 14 days trial period):

http://consoles.freebiejeebies.co.uk/179620

I’ll post an update if I manage to get all 15 and personally refer back to you as to its validity.