Of Happiness and Valiums

Chronicling my strife with the universe.

Archive for the ‘CAT/ACCA’ Category

This is my panicked face.

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Oh crap. Oh no. Whatever shall I do now. I am so thoroughly screwed I just have to flail my arms wildly and scream profanities at inanimate objects in my bedroom. Let’s see what I can sarcastically passionately shout at.

Fuck you swivel chair, for no good reason.

Go to hell, unmade bed with such nauseatingly bright colours that my brother has got to be colour-blind to purchase you.

Damn you, Jessica Alba desktop wallpaper in which she is wearing a fetching designer dress with various green hues in attractive tones that rather brings out her eyes and augments her marvelously fair complexion.

Damn you to hell.

Get out of my face, yo– ohh two days old discarded fries. Nyam.

What am I talking about? Well;

What would you do if your UiTM friends found out about your blog?

Then I’d have a lot of enemies.

Now we get to put that theory to the test, eh Gerard?

I really thought I was safe, that my personal thoughts would remain unknown to most of my UiTM acquaintances as long as I refrain from publicizing this space. Comfortably, I thought to share anecdotes with only old Kuching friends, maybe some online pals and others completely outside the foul reach of UiTM.

I didn’t expect this in response to this.

So magician guy discovered my blog. I should offer him profuse apologies from such impertinent remarks on his self that have been made for public viewing, but;

As they say, some things come back to haunt you. I just didn’t expect this soon. So what do you say, should I make this blog private? Or should I put into motion my initial reaction?

Apathy.

Written by aziemah

May 26, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Posted in CAT/ACCA

Tagged with , ,

Special 2008 Loser Feature: Round #1

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Before I start off with that, let me elucidate a particular fact to the masses (by the masses I mean the insignificant, almost non-existent amount of readers I somehow miraculously get). There’s a reason why I’ve only told the existence to this blog to very few people and them I regard my closest friends. There’s also another reason why, regardless of how partial I am to them, I do not inform it to any UiTM friends.

Obviously, I’m afraid they might get insulted as it may seem that what I write about implicates them. The original purpose of this blog was, after all, to chronicle my days in UiTM and the frustration I experience from having to adapt to extreme changes in environment. One that I’m not particularly fond of.

That is why I was blown away when DJ found out about this blog (And I even mentioned her before! Remember the classmates post?)! Malu malu.

I’m quite at a loss as to how she found out, that clever girl. Though it’s extensively lucky that she happens to be among the few that have immunity in my books (No DJ, I’m not kissing your ass because you found out about my blog and now hold the tools to my complete social annihilation. It’s because you’re like the prettiest girl in the world ever oh hey would you like a cup of tea? Or my soul? You can have my soul will that please you?).

In all seriousness though, DJ, and friends like ‘Iffah, Hanisah, Izyan, Izzati, Ijai, Fatin, Farah, Mirah, Farahin and some others have actually been crucial in helping me maintain sanity. Thank you for that.

Back to the point, if you have UiTM friends, any of you, never mention my blog.

Never.

Otherwise you wouldn’t be getting these anymore:

Special 2008 Loser Eccentric-ish Person Feature: Round #1

Ismail Ibnu Arsad

I know his full name because he requested to be my friend on Friendster. As I’ve known him for a full semester now, and that he’s a classmate for two of my classes in addition to being on good terms with a lot of my good friends, it was of course very natural that… I rejected his request.

But hey, nothing to despair about. Now I can use his friendster profile to ridicule him. Yay!

I begin taking notice of this guy when one day, for god-knows-what reason, I was actually reading a text book! During class! My god the inter-stellar planets must have been misaligned then. Anyhoo, a huger anomaly was obvious aside from my sudden interest in pretending to read so it’s the first thing the lecturer sees when she comes in err I mean from my sudden inspiration to better myself as a student ah fuck I’ll shut up now. I looked up for one moment and a huge-ass, queen of hearts belt buckle that was gleaming silver so much that it made my eyes hurt was staring me in the face. If you think that’s weird, when I continually looked up, it belonged to a guy wearing a light dress shirt adorned with dark-toned embroideries of dancing dragons. And to top it all off; a fedora hat. Reminded me strongly of Johnny Depp’s fashion faux pas.

And sometimes, though not then, he would wear sunglasses similar to Johnny’s here except it’s the cheap, Petaling Street, RM10.95 knock-off version. In other words, he was exactly like Johnny Depp, minus the glasses, good looks, sense of style and really, really sexy eyes.

*Takes 15 minutes break Googling Johnny Depp’s pictures*

Okay. Okay. Was slightly distracted. Now back on course… Oh hey I’m drooling. :D~~~~~

…Okay. So. Huge-ass blinding belt buckle showcasing the queen of hearts;

Check.

Black fedora hat during class;

Check.

Tacky black shirt with obvious embroidered dragons;

Check.

Yup. We got a weirdo. Wanna see him?

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Ta-da! Due to politeness, I tried my best to find the most normal-looking picture of him.

But of course, you have to see the fedora.

……..

I’m sorry, there’s no explanation for this one. I just couldn’t help myself.

Happily, let me now deliver the coup de grâce to this mardi gras live exhibit’s short-lived fame…

…He is a self-proclaimed magician.

Which explains the theme behind his belt buckle. Can you be more obvious?

I first realised his magician-y self when I was sitting a row behind him during T6 (I mention T6 and not ‘class’ or ‘a lecture’ because it makes me sound student-ish and impressive. Is it working?) He was playing with cards under the desk, swiftly handling it and practicing his legerdemain skills.

Or so he makes us think.

I think it was somewhat obvious, from that position he was sitting in while playing the cards, that he wanted to show-off to the row behind him – all of us girls by the way – his ’1337′ card skillz. Come on dude. You were sitting on the far right. Your chair and yourself was turned slightly to the left, and you were leaning all the way back, giving us a completely clean view. So…

Yup. We got an idiot.

Of course, there were subtler ways in which he showed off his skills. Like performing magic tricks smack dab in the middle of a full class while making rancorous noises.

I swear, it’s like he’s trying to hide his talent from us!

His outfit on that particular day wasn’t a one-off showcase of extreme social retardation, he’s actually worn gaudier and louder attires. I’m actually more amazed by his ability to find these articles of clothing moreso than his magic.

I don’t want to continue my tirade of ridicule since I do believe in karma (and also I’m hungry). But, I do have to confess that he does have talent. If it weren’t for him becoming a slave to extremely retarded fashion, I might be piqued enough to ask the unfathomable, unexplored and fascinating secrets that he, as a magician, holds; i.e. where DID he buy those bizarre shirts?!

To redeem myself and make me appear less of an insulting, sarcastic and insensitive person (I want people to see me as bubbly and optimistic. Just you wait, people. I shall have rainbows and ponies streaming out of my ass. Just you wait!), here are a few pictures to impress. I don’t think any camera tricks are involved since like I said, he does seem to have talent.

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Last but not least, here he is. The talented magician of 2008’s CAT, in all his glory!

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I almost cried at how pathetic this picture is Isn’t he impressive?

Future post would definitely be my roommates. Now these guys you can’t miss.

Written by aziemah

May 21, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Posted in CAT/ACCA

Tagged with , ,

Special 2008 Classmates Feature!

with 5 comments

I think I’m going to blog about my classmates now.

Presenting. Class CT2A (Personally pronounced as Ceh-Teh-Two-Aa. I know I’m creative, thanks).

I know! That short-haired faux-chinese chick near the bottom is cute! I think so too! And such a resplendent aura she emits!

I know that awkward silence and wtf expression of yours is a show of praise and tribute to her.

This is when I burst with exulted laughter and glee and admit shyly that that girl we’re admiring is actually ME! Right before you crack open my skull with a machete and drag my obscenely cute carcass to the dog kennel.

On another unrelated note, I do realise I have only 3 male classmates. I also do realise the ascii emoticon equivalent of their expressions are:

I’m in the mood to write individual testimonials on these three.

  • Hariz; aka guy-who’s-open-mouth-you’re-tempted-to-poke-a-chopstick-into

Hariz has got to be the most spastic and attention desperate male throughout my whole period being here. His sudden exclamation of glee/terror/surprise is like a festering zit that pops from just barely applied pressure.

Kelas cancel hari ni beb.

KELAS CANCEL? WEH KELAS, KELAS PUAN LELA CANCEL LAH! WEH ‘IFFAH, NGKO TAHU TAK KELAS CANCEL? TAHUTAKTAHUTAKTAHUTAKTAHUTAKTAHUTAK??? DAHLAH AKU TAK BUAT ASSIGNMENT DOE! JOM PANGGIL PUAN LELA CAKAP HANISAH BELANJA DIE TEH TARIK.

Nape aku plak?

“SEBAB KELAS CANCEL!!!!! DAN SEBAB NGKO PAKAI JEANS BIRU HARI NI!!!

….

Bisinglah Hariz. Diamlah.

APE TU DJ? NGKO NAK DATE AKU??? JOM PEGI DATE KAT BUS STOP SEROJA!!!!

His erratic remarks astound us too. It’s like he has the IQ equivalent of a goldfish. (On an interesting note, goldfish has memory spans of 5-15 seconds). This version is a more subdued him. Otherwise, he would be hopping around and sticking his face in people’s noses.

To be honest with you though… as a girl… I do have daydreams concerning him… Oh this is so embarrassing! I’ll share it with you nonetheless, teeheehee.

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  • Suhail Alia; aka guy-with-no-bladder-control

I don’t know much about him, except for the fact that he’s a pretty serious guy. In disposition and in studies. Reticent, stoic and probably faring the best out of the whole lot.

He loosened a bit this term when he became the girls’ faux ‘love interest’.

“Suhail, kenape Nell ade nombor engkau? Nak marah ni! Curang!!”

“Nasiblah ‘Iffah… Suhail dah cakap kat aku die tak suke awak. Kan Suhail, kan?”

“Eh nak muntah lah… Suhail cakap die sayang aku sorang je. Semalam die sms aku bagitau.”

“Blahlah Odah… Aku tau semalam Celcom je SMS engkau… Nak cakap Suhail, manusie biase pun takde nak SMS engkau.”

“Eh ‘Iffah, engko bagitau sume orang nape? Nanti aku cucuk lubang idung kang.”

“Tak kisah! Tak kisah!! Nak Suhail gak! Nak Suhaaaaiillll!”

“…………………………………………………”

By this time, his expression would be a hybrid of amusement, panic and bladder-control-desperation. He learnt to smile at their antics and after a while, even managed a Casanova-esque response or two, which is; “Uh…” or “

Suhail, you naughty boy you!

“Suhail, cakap awak sayang saye! Sekarang!”

“TAKLAH SUHAIL! AKU AKU! BUKAN NELL! TENGOK, SIAP AKU LETAK ENGKO UNDER ‘SAYANG’ DALAM HANDPHONE!”

“Desperate gile babi engko due ni. Dah aku cakap aku punye, aku lah.”

“Eh shaddaplah Odah… okay, Suhail. Engko pilih antara kite tige. Sape engko pilih?”

“Eh cop cop… aku nak gak! Aku nak gak!”

“Ok, antare kite tige dan budak menyibuk ntah sape ni. Pilih. Sekarang.”

“A’ah. Sekarang.”

“You better pilih betul-betul.”

“Cepat.”

The outcome?

And last but not least;

  • Anwar; aka fuck’s-wrong-with-my-classmates…

Anwar is fragile looking. Skinny and tall, he’s not exactly your ‘surprise-piggy-back!!’ type. He’s friendly and seemingly normal. Out of the three, he’s probably the one I talk to the most. On top of that, our conversations are always very enigmatic and animated. There’s just so much to talk to him about!

Just like two chattering housewives!

What’s surprising is that he doesn’t exactly strike you as the attractive type, but he banters in a rather familiar way with two of the prettiest classmates in class. I’m saying the scenario is something like “I WILL sleep with you if you were the last man on earth!”

Look closely, and you will notice the desperation etched in the faces of my boys-stricken classmates. God knows we need good looking guys as classmates. Or at least more than three guys. Well, actually more than two guys and one spastic idiot.

Personally though, I’m rather wishing for more hot, sexy, all legs mamacitas.

…It’s not what you think! It’s to… uh… distract the male lecturers! So that they’d forget to give us assignments! Yeah!

That’s it for now. I’m tempted to do a special feature on the Top 3 Hottest Female Classmates and List of Annoying Classmates. Maybe next post. Maybe even individual photos if my myspace and friendster stalking abilities are not lacking.

PS: How’s my stick figure drawing abilities?! I’m the most talented you’ve ever seen in this department, yes? YES?! Oh god Hariz’s mental retardation is rubbing off on me.

Written by aziemah

April 19, 2008 at 8:21 am

Posted in CAT/ACCA

Cannonball Babies

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I was perusing all my unused papers from last semester to burn recycle because I love the earth so much. (<3 Environment. Don’t call the feds).

Much to my surprise, I unearthed holy letters explaining the secrets of genesis and how I am a superior human being some written entries from one of my notepads that pretty much summarised my frustration at being in UiTM. Now I’m not as frustrated, but ho boy, last year I was a pretty mad person. Mad being a gross understatement. Check out one of the entry:

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Subject: T5; Managing People and Systems

Lecturer: Puan Sahilda (Currently seven/eight months pregnant. Basketball sized abdomen. Much staring involved.)

10.30am, 24 seconds. (Showing off the minute-minding powers of my new watch muhahaha)

It’s this class again. God. Everytime I have this class, I’m tempted to:

  1. Commit massive genocide upon my study-challenged course mates (Well, they’re not dumb but when you’re staring into twenty-odd managerial theories you’re semi-tards clinging to the last bits of your intelligence by burning a hole in your watch. Much like what I’m doing.)
  1. Pray to the gods of fertility so that Puan Sahilda’s unborn baby (her tummy looks ripe) would just slide out of her like a cannonball. Then we can celebrate the magnificent miracle of a new, innocent life bring introduced to this world in a most awe-inspiring light; and more importantly… Dismiss class (Not sure if the gods are fertility is responsible for actual child birth and not insemination. Currently wondering if Gods of childbirth exists).
  1. Start a fire in Nell’s pants (Stop asking redundant questions and stalling the lessons, ‘natch!). If she needs to get laid but can’t, at least I’m bringing some heat to her, right?
  1. Pet a bunny. Bunnies are so cute.

10.42am

Firdaus just pointed out that Nell’s not wearing pants… dang! The cosmic universe is always against me! I shake my fist in angry indignation at you, cosmic universe.

11.00am

Dear God… Time is moving at a crawl. Half a crawl, even.

11.05am

*Starts to bang head against table. Stops as Puan Sahilda looks at me funny.*

11.09am

Currently Group A is presenting their group work on ‘Ouchi’s Theory Z’.

Apparently Ouchi is a person.

I can already imagine the guy in a psychiatrist’s chair, having to resolve the issues from his name-induced traumatising childhood. If there were a person named Ouchi in class right now whom I could ridicule, life would be so much better.

Alas.

11.20am

I need to pee again. This is like my eighth time and it’s not even noon yet. Either I should worry about possible disruption of kidney functions caused by underlying ailments… or not drink five glasses of water for Sahur.

Dilemmas.

11.25am

Only FIVE minutes have passed???

11.39am

I’ve been working on the railroad… all the live long day~~~ Oh look, is that my sanity I see floating away? :D

11.45am

Dear God, stop it. Please stop it now. Please, God. Cannonball babies!

11.50am

…Now butterflies are floating overhead~~

12.02am

CLASS. IS. OVER.

Books; check.

Stationeries; check.

Calculator; check.

Notebook with list of today’s homework; check.

Phone; check.

Sanity: …

***

And that’s it. Thank God I never have to go through papers that are fully theory-related this semester. Thank God I didn’t go crazy as well.

Oh look, butterflies~~

Written by aziemah

March 4, 2008 at 12:07 pm

Posted in CAT/ACCA

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