Of Happiness and Valiums

When you’re staying in an all-girls college and when 90% of your classmates are female, you can’t help but be pulled into that foreboding black hole of…

CUTE GUYS DISCUSSION TEEHEE!

If you know me personally, you’d probably realise that it’s not exactly my bread and butter. I’d rather discuss Dyjae, Farah and Mirah and other hot girls scientific anomalies, the latest shocking stories on the divisible line of human compassion and animalistic cruelty or my favourite of them all; the latest gadgets hardly available as of yet.

Of course, I don’t get much of that in UiTM and after spending three semesters here, it’s inevitable that I’ve adapted to the culture and conventional objects of interest. Which is, surprise surprise, the opposite sex.

In complete honesty, I’ve only found one guy to be attractive out of the whole male population in UiTM. However, he’s relatively unknown thanks to his low-profile stance and shy demeanour, which makes him more appealing. He’s fairly good looking but best of all, since he frequents the gym, he has that slightly muscular and lean figure which he, thank god, doesn’t showcase to the world in the form of extra small polo T’s or ridiculously tight jeans. Plus, he’s in the Dean’s list.

He’s also Izyan’s latest crush, heh heh heh. :P

Back to the point, since guys dominate most of the conversations with most of my acquaintances here, I’ve noticed that there are names that would invariably pop up. Here are the top three, followed by my personal opinions of them (Keep in mind that I don’t know any of them personally):

Note: I’m not really sure how accurate the subjective descriptions of their innate personalities are, seeing as they’re comments and reviews by my friends who have crushes on them. Though the physical attributes associated to them are my personal opinions.

Guy #1: Izmil

(Sorry for the crappy picture, it was taken from the APAcS Friendster profile. :P)

One thing about Malay girls, is that they really dig Malay Chinese-looking guys. Which is… very lame. It’s probably because actual Chinese boys give them scant attention.

And, here’s a jaw-dropper, this guy has somewhat Chinese features.

Gasp.

Fair skinned, slightly slanted eyes and a sharp chin, he’s an instant favourite at first glance and very much over-rated. He’s so popular that even though he seems to be the quiet and low-profile type, he has flocks of visually challenged adoring fangirls. I find him not so annoying because reportedly, he’s not flirtatious with girls and he wears only casual clothes. He’s rather short, however, but it wouldn’t be slim-pickings for him seeing as most of the girls here are goddamn annoying dear lord why must they exist and torture me so short anyway.

More importantly… he’s an APAcS member.

DIE APACS MEMBERS, DIE DIE DIE.

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Guy #2: Hazriq

(Don’t blame me for the down syndrome looking picture. It took ages to find his Friendster profile and even then, the pictures were crappy. Stupid.)

Now this guy is unbelievably popular as well. I’m not annoyed by him as much as the previous one, because he gets his adulation from being a very nice and helpful APAcS member. In fact, word is, he’s actually responsible and does good with his obligations, so no triple ‘DIE!’ angry bursts at him.

Well, maybe just one.

DIE.

This guy, however, is not too good looking. Button-nosed and slightly pug-ish features, he’s also relatively short and chubby. He wears tight shirts that seem to be almost ripping at the seams, too. But, even I admit it, he has really nice eyes. Someone once told me that you don’t need very attractive features, only very mesmerising eyes to have people falling for you.

He’s a walking testament to that statement (Ooo testament is an anagram of statement. Coincidence?).

It is also important to note that his fangirls are the least annoying, since he attracts the shy, quiet type.

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Guy #3: Qushay

(From his friend’s Myspace profile, seeing as his was set to private. Man can’t believe I wasted my time searching for all these pictures. You people better pay me for giving visual depictions.)

This name I will never forget (Though I keep forgetting his face >.>).

If the previous two can’t really care less about clothes, he is more fashion conscious, preferring the rock star wannabe look, complete with emo hair *cough*lame*cough*. He’s very tall and owns rather forgettable, pretty boy features. Girls adore him because he gives off the ‘cool’ vibe, sort of like your typical clichéd bad boy in a clichéd high school scene.

He’s the most annoying because he’s the most popular. In fact, that’s the reason his name is imprinted in my brain. Like him or not, his name never fails to pop up very frequently since he’s either the subject of hate, or like, but almost never neutrality.

Now I’m more concerned about his fangirls. His fangirls are the boisterous, attention desperate, dolled up types. He’s popular with the karat girls (dyed-hair chicks), the generic Gucci bag, wears-D&G-sunglasses-indoors chicks or the two-sizes-too-small-mini-Ts and extra-low-rise-jeans airheads.

You know what, I think they deserve their own special mention;

Guy Girls #4: Qushay’s fangirls

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When it comes to guys, I either enjoy their company (very few of them. Maynard, Gerard, Zakil, Jerome, Frederick, Azizul, Daniel, Larry you get a special mention here :D) or ignore their existence completely. With girls, I either really like, or really hate them. I like Dyjae, Mirah and Farah because they’re really attractive, yet they act humbly and almost take no notice of their own prettiness.

I’m not too annoyed by Izmil or Hazriq’s fangirls as well, since although apparently blind and with bad taste, they’re rather decent people.

Qushay’s admirers however… eesh.

They’re hardly attractive… in fact, they’re downright fuck ugly (except for this one totally hot karat girl who I have my eyes on), brand conscious, materialistic and their backs are arched so prominently, I swear they’re gonna poke someone’s eyes out one day. Like their object of interest, they’re the clichéd ‘it’ girls of a student community.

Only that they’re ugly.

Which I find discomforting (UiTM’s weird. The beautiful ones are submissive while the ugly ones are over-the-top).

But worse of all is how blindly and obviously they lavish him with attention, which is an embarrassment to the female race in and of itself. If Guy #1 and Guy #2’s fangirls would look at these two behind shady pillars or stealing only covert glances at them, Guy #3’s are the “Oh no you don’t, bitch. He’s mine, ghetto style baby!” *snaps fingers* type.

Jeez. And they say the males are the ones disintegrating our female pride and respect.

You know, the actual point of this post was to give a message/caveat to some;

Dear people with nothing better to do with their lives… if you’re a UiTM friend of mine, please do me a favour:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.

Here’s an introduction to my classmates, and subsequently, these three bevy of beauties:

According to a lecturer, our class is the experimental class. They wanted to compile the elites with the best academic results into one class and see how we cope with the new, more comprehensive and heavy teaching methods. The minimum As to enroll into the class were 8 As and most of them scored straight, while some others were already funded scholars.

One thing pleasant about my classmates since the very first semester is that, they seem to be the lucky ones.

The natural winners of the genes lottery pools.

Beautiful, smart, funny and charming are the words that I would describe some. In fact, their physical attractiveness is a topic of such heated arguments that we’ve had numerous debates on who’s the fairest of them all. These three are the favourite candidates and here are the winning titles we’ve unofficially given them:

· Khadija aka Dyjae

Dyjae is on a full scholarship and if that’s not enough, she is one of the most attractive in the class. Skin as fair as winter snow, complexion as smooth as pristine fields of a wintry scene and full, pouty lips of a pinkish-red hue. She has a slightly defined jaw line, nicely shaped nose and such huge eyes I initially referred to her as a doe-eyed beauty. Just a little mascara does wonders to that mesmerising stare of hers.

When she smiles, her eyes light up and you can’t help but subject yourself to her every whim. With that sweet tone of voice that she possesses, she has the guys flocking around her like lambs surrounding a shepherd.

Dyjae, we present you with:

The Sweet Beauty Award

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Next we have:

· Farah aka… Farah

The first thing you’ll notice about Farah is her very high, sing-song voice carried by a lilting accent. Most of those with that way of speaking would have you cringing in agony, but Farah’s is just so naturally, unpretentiously adorable that you’ll be cringing in desperate need to pinch her cheeks. Plus her ridiculously cute dimples don’t exactly douse the fire.

Her bangs hang animatedly over her big, innocent eyes and her wavy hair falls in drapes over her slender shoulders. Her square face acts as a beautiful canvass to that inexplicably cute smile of hers and those slightly teasing eyes.

Truth be told, Dyjae and the subsequent candidate surpass her in terms of looks but in terms of personality, she has the highest percentage of completely charming you. She is so excessively cute that it makes you feel like a volcano on the point of eruption, and that is probably why she has the most admirers out of the three.

Farah, we present you with:

The Cute Beauty Award

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And last but not least:

· Amirah aka Mirah

Mirah is what we describe an exotic beauty. Intriguingly, she has those oval, Egyptian eyes that mysteriously twist upwards very subtly at the corners. She also has very full, luscious and pouty lips that never escape notice. We jokingly, though rightfully call it ‘The Angelina Jolie smile’.

Rather unapproachable to strangers, Mirah exudes a sexy, almost mysterious aura. She has a slim, well-endowed figure and she carries it elegantly, marking an almost regal presence.

However, there’s a tricky side to her beauty. You probably won’t notice her the first time around and she doesn’t give a lasting impression, unlike the previous two. If with Farah and Dyjae ‘What you see is what you get’, with Mirah it’s ‘The more you see, the more you get’. Sure enough, as with most exotic things, you’ll only be magnetised by her attraction the more you pay attention to her.

Mirah, we present you with:

The Sexy Beauty Award

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There you have it, the three candidates. Personally, I vouch for Mirah to be the best out of the three, simply because I’m more easily swayed by sexiness.

…But then Dyjae is so pretty too… And Farah is so cute…

Feh. It’s just a matter of personal preference.

Who’s your favourite?

“Izyan… these aren’t orgasms in the mouth anymore. My tongue is climaxing.”

That’s how good Izyan’s Apple Crumble Cheesecake is.

She was bored one weekend when she decided to try out something new. Her half-lidded eyes and listless hands were shuffling in tune to the muffled drones of the TV in the background while she eyed the multi-coloured cake creations and array of ingredients in the recipe book before her. The multitude of designs that flawlessly envisioned a pastry chef’s true artistry, bedecked in magnificent colours that told a flowing story of ideas evolving into grand creations were met with nonchalance.

I would’ve been salivating all over the book.

Then, her hands abruptly stopped when an intriguing title caught her eye. It was simple enough, no titles of grandeur or haughty foreign name (which sometimes seem random) to accompany the pastry. It read;

‘Apple Crumble Cheesecake.’

Spurring her inactive gears to life, she turned off the soporific voice of the TV and hastened to the kitchen where to me, the wonderful and edible magical things happen. She was hit by crushing waves of inspiration and the need to bake was overwhelming.

Not that I’m complaining.

Soon enough, all the baking peripherals were before her. She was set out for war and the ammunition was cake ingredients.

Meanwhile, deep in the outskirts of civilisation we call UiTM, I was bumping my head against the wall repeatedly, more numbed by the throbbing pain of boredom than anything else. I had little clue I was to experience a bout of intense pleasure from a non-obscene orifice.

Hell yeah.

Monday came about and I was invited to stay another night over in her room in Seroja. I took my laptop along so we can enjoy musicals like Dreamgirls, Grease and Hairpsray heehee badass movies with plenty of explosions, illogical death tolls and jugs the size of balloons on the point of bursting. The night seemed fun and promising, but whatever preparation I took, I was ill-prepared for the onslaught of euphoria in the appearance of (what we shall now refer to as) THE ULTIMATE CAKE OF ALL TIMEZZ (TUCOATz).

“Surprise! I bought cheesecake!” She excitedly exclaimed, reminding me of a pre-teen bragging about her latest Nick Carter poster. If that really happened, I thought, it’d sure be fun to have a loaded gun.

“Oh.” It seemed nothing new, so my lack of enthusiasm was rudely apparent.

“Apple Crumble Cheesecake!” This time, her lips creased into a sly smile.

“OH?”

Almost in slow-motion, she opened the lid of a worn-looking Tupperware while my eyes glistened in childlike anticipation. True enough, the old container was as misleading as Britney Spears’ twin silicones because inside it hid an image of pastry splendour, baking magnificence, cake beauty and all those words of English rule-breaking praises. An (imaginary) halo of resplendence shone over the TUCOATz, augmenting its appearance and accelerating my speed in salivating.

Surreptitiously wiping my pool of crystal clear saliva onto Balqis’ bedsheets, Izyan handed me a fork to have the honour of being the first to taste it.

…Okay fine, so I literally grabbed the cake and fork from her hands. Watcha gonna do ‘bout that, huh punk?

Anyway, elated by the extension of such an honour, I took a HUGEASS CHUNK delicate bite, wanting to savour TUCOATz.

The moment my mouth closed around it, I felt an explosion of taste. My taste buds melted at the slight sourness of the apple, the sweetness of the cake, the rich creaminess of the cheese. It was crumbly and moist as I bit into the crunchiness of the almonds. Just lightly, I tasted the zest of lemon juice and the inexplicable taste of cinnamon, the ingredients Izyan added as an afterthought. I sighed pleasantly as every taste danced distinctively, yet harmoniously on my tongue.

All in one bite.

And (this time, I’m not joking or being sarcastic), I teared.

I DIDN’T CRY *COUGH*.

Just that ONLY ONE OR TWO tears started materialising out of its own accord.

Izyan, touched by my wordless appreciation, took a picture to commemorate the moment and thanked me from the bottom of her heart.

“What the hell. You’re crying?? Shit I’m taking a picture. Hahaha here’s something to make fun of!”

Die, bitch. If only your cakes weren’t so orgasmic.

THE END.

UiTM has its fair share of social stigmas. For one, it’s made of one part Malay, one part racism and one part Malay.

Did I also forget to mention it’s also one part Malay?

I took my official university acceptance with a pinch of salt. I never thought I’d end up in a university with statistically lower than average standards, abysmal achievements and generally sub-par students. The strongest resentment I have against UiTM is proven by this conversation I had with someone in the very first semester;

“Man, don’t you guys feel lucky?”

“What for?”

“Well, you guys managed few measly A’s for your SPM, and you get accepted regardless.”

“I got 4 A’s, I deserve my placement.”

“Yeah well, I have plenty of Chinese friends getting straight A’s, even A1’s, with impressive co-curricular records and they’re forced to fork out their own cash to get into private universities.”

“Your point is?”

“Well you guys can hardly compare to them, and yet you get to be in a University where we pay a meagre RM500 for one semester, subsidised food, living accommodation and all these other perks. The only thing we have over these people is that we’re Malays.”

“So? They’re foreign people. Who asked them to be in this country?”

“…What?”

“This is our country, and they just menumpang. Who gives them the right to complain over something they don’t deserve in the first place?”

“…”

“Malaysia is for the Malays. Us. This is our right, not theirs. If they don’t like it, then they should just get out.”

This is apparently, general consensus. I knew there was something wrong about an all-bumiputera University, but I didn’t expect such insolence and ignorance. It was at this time I doubted my decision to reject the offer for Mechanical Engineering under Petronas. The course might suck, but at least I would’ve been around more educated people.

The problem is essentially, the people.

The mentality.

The culture.

I had no other problems with UiTM. I quote Irene; “First-class facilities, third-class mentality.”

You see, you guys might not be aware but there are a lot of perks in UiTM Shah Alam, despite it being the cheapest public university. Government subsidised, we’re talking about major spendings on architectural aesthetics, practical assistance to students that naturally don’t come cheap, significant allocation on study grants, up-to-date technology and the lot.

Here are my favourites:

• UiTM Shah Alam is HUGE.

• Decent transport system, with Rapid KL and UiTM busses having internal and external routes within the main campus.

• Practical and very well-maintained facilities. We have an indoor swimming pool, several gyms, comfortably-sized clinics with free medical and dental service (we don’t even pay for the prescribed medicine). There’s the world-class library and updated computer labs, award-winning buildings, art galleries, restaurants, a hotel (run by students) and so much more.

• UiTM plays host to plenty of national competitions, speeches by renowned people and copious national events. Even celebrities visit now and then and I’ve spotted a few in Menara SAAS’ cafe.

• Food subsidy and free in-campus accommodation for those eligible.

• Free Wi-Fi for most colleges, lecture halls, selected buildings and the likes. Under leisure traffic, I’ve gotten download speeds of up to 1000kb/s.

There’s also the man-made lake that set the government back one million and the award-winning waterfall designed by some foreign architect that cost the University two million.

Don’t ask.

Anyway, now in my third semester, as mentioned in my previous posts, I’m finally at peace. I was initially confused, but I know why now.

I’ve started to truly love my friends here.

Against all odds, they’ve charmed me and cracked my introversion. They’ve proven themselves unlike the branded stereotypes around. I’m just frustrated that I’ve only realised how much I actually like them in the third semester, when the scholarship offer to UK was granted. If I don’t fail any CAT papers, I’d probably start a new semester in London this September.

I don’t want to leave them.

Why must it be now?

PS: Another reason to love UiTM: I’m in the Dean’s list! And, I found out few days ago from an annoying classmate that retarded Magician Guy is having a semester break. That means he’s not around. One less douche bag in UiTM, and I can’t be anymore happier. :D

I wrote that last week and was meaning to post it, but there’s a new update!

I’M NOT GOING TO LONDON!

My Mak Long called few days before and told me, seeing as the college I was assigned to was not a well-reputed one or anything (actually, it’s pretty crappy), then I should just not go. Studying in the centre of London would be cool and all, but if it’s at a crappy college then why bother, right?

The lecturers would be happy, seeing that they sat me down and gave a two hour persuasive talk on not leaving too soon. My uncle would be happy because he’d rather I stay in UiTM as well. I’m happy because I get to visit Australia by the end of this year with my favourite cousin. My friends were happy when I told them. Izyan would be happy because… well I would be happy because I get to eat more free blueberry cheese tarts and cheesecake that Izyan would bake.

Though… I later found out from Izyan that she and the seniors were planning a surprise farewell party for me at Sungai Gabai.

Damn.

Should’ve told them after the party.